Ok, since I'm sick now too, I am giving myself permission to spend all morning on the computer if I want. Pile of laundry and dirty toilets--I can't hear you, well, not loudly enough anyway. So, if you're wondering about that pic in the last post, that's my sweet Ninna during her daily patch therapy to correct her lazy eye. She wears socks pinned to her shoulders to keep from pulling the patch off. She was so cute with that Dancing Homer doll. She carried it around giving it loves and rocking it like a baby. I just had to get a shot of her with it!
For myself I have to relate some insights I've gained recently. I shared some of it with Adam last night, but couldn't quite find the right words. After an additional night pondering it all, here's how I view things. In a nutshell, females of all ages and backgrounds have a natural tendency to be cliquish and catty. It doesn't matter how old we are or how mature we're supposed to be, it STILL happens. I don't know why, all I know is that it's the ugliest side of womanhood that I know. I have a vague sense that it's a way that Satan can twist our propensity for forming tight bonds of sisterhood into something he can use to drive us apart and hurt others with. Dragging us down rather than allowing us to lift and support each other through all that's part of this life.
We may be "grown-ups" now, but the childishness of it all really bothers me. Some women get together and become friends. Then others come along and all are friendly, but a few of the newcomers don't share your political views, religous customs, or , for pete's sake, mop their kitchen with the same kind of mop the others do so they aren't allowed "in"! I don't know how the lines get drawn, but they are always drawn over differences between us. This person sews and you don't, another disciplines her kids in a way you wish you did, she's skinnier than me, that neighbor's more patient than I am, that girl never makes homemade treats for her family, but I do! AAAAHHHH!!! I could scream over the stupidity of it all.
It all comes down to the devil's favorite tools of pride and vanity. Someone else has or does something you wish you could have or do. Now's the choice, do I get to know her, become friends and learn from her or do I push her, and keep her, aside, so I don't have to feel bad about myself next to her? From there it has many levels, backbiting, gossip, outright dislike, indifference, etc., etc. But it all leads back to the same thing-we, who are alike will stay together and keep each other company, while those not like us (for whatever reason) can stand on the outskirts where we can keep from having to compare us with them constantly.
I learned early in life, thanks to moving around a LOT, that those on the outskirts have two choices really. One, you can feel bad for yourself and spend your life trying to make yourself into something "they" will accept or , two, you can turn to the others that are "out" and be friends with them, if possible, and be happy with the differences that make you YOU. I know that makes the whole thing sound so simple, when in reality it's terribly difficult. Everyone wants to belong and it's hard when you don't. If you can learn to pull off choice number two, then you learn the ironic truth. You're happier when you're not "in". For those that are "in" are never truly happy. They haven't learned what you already have--that being yourself, seeking after your own dreams, and striving for things that are best for you and you alone are the real source of happiness. Those who are "in" are constanly trying to find that happiness, but since they worry so much about what all the others who are "in" will think of their choices, they're trapped and made miserable by those who are supposed to be their friends.
My realization recently was that I thought that when we became grown-ups, we were free of that childish behavior that caused me so much pain while growing up. I was wrong, and as I recover from this battle once again, I am happy to be "out"--really and truly happy, for my happiness doesn't need to depend on the approbation of men, but that of a very loving Heavenly Father. For in the end, He's the one we're supposed to be proving ourselves to in this life. His blessings will far outweigh the adulation of men and I thank Him with all my heart for learning this lesson again!
5 comments:
It's interesting to me how widespread this problem is. I walk in many different shoes in my life. I am involved in my children classroom, my church, former co-workers, my salon, my school job, family, neighborhood and friends just to name a few. I run in a lot of circles. What is common in each situation is this problem you are discussing. Recently, a neighbor was talking about a situation within my church. She felt outed because of one particular woman who continued to "stir the pot" as I call it. And her latest scandel involved my neighbor. While she spoke without naming names I was shocked somehow that it went on in my particular church. I had always had the impression that most of us in my church group were all kind of in the same situation or had at least been there...young families, the tightnes of the almighty dollar etc. However, looking back upon my experience within the church growing up it was a problem then too and unfortunatly was a large driving force on why I was inactive for so many years. Even within my daughters classroom it has been a problem. I have been heartbroken to learn that a particular child has ridiculed my child to the point of tears and self-doubt. Of course, this is the early beginnings of the exact behavior we are speaking of. The thing that I have learned is this. People will always behave this way. We just need to learn to deal. Not however by trying to prove them "wrong" with the attitude of "I'll show you". That will prove itself over time. It's learning to ignore. It's a hard lesson and sometimes people will get to you no matter how hard you fight it. I think I have been able to avoid it for a couple of reasons. I do NOT get involved in much....as far as this...I choose my close friends wisely. The people who I surround myself with on a daily basis in all of my "circles" do not really know me. Now that may sound isolated etc. I choose to not be involved in the drama. I position myself "out" as you call it on purpose. I am always running a million different places and doing a million different things....which might help you. Do not focus so much of your life on one group of people. Yes, you have to live in your neighborhood...yes, you have to be at church. Do you need to spend all of your time on the people in those arena's? No. No. No. It's a hard thing for me to suggest because I know how hard it is with young children but I think you should get out of your social circle. Meet new people...whether it be soccer moms, a support group or even a class you might take. You are one of the women that I see in my life that is very strong and knows where she is going. You are a very loving and responsible mother. You have interests that set you apart from anyone I have met in our "neck of the woods". You are a helpful, loving person and one that I look up to. Don't let these gals get you down. Please. They are people too...and sometimes the reason women act like this is to make themselves feel better about situations in their own lives that might make our stomachs roll. I know it is not fair but it is how some people "deal" with bad things. Good luck.
I've had those same impressions (about church, etc.)and experiences in other neighborhoods, but felt that here it was different. That bubble has burst, and I count it a growing experience. "They" deserve our pity and I feel, now, that I am able to dole it out. You are a wise woman, and a great friend! Thanks!
Ahhhh... the reason that I had a total of 2 girl friends my entire life and though one has joined this group and another has taken her place I still only have two. I always found it easier to make friends with the guys. But now that I am married that is no longer acceptable. So I am content with my tiny circle most of the time and long for the day when I can find more people to accept me for who I am the rest of the time. How I wish you live closer, big sister! Love you!
I know that it is hard sometimes in being part of the female side of the population, but don't think that you all are alone in the on going saga of relationship problems. Guys also, have similar problems. We just don't seem to express them the same. For us, we respond in various ways as we grow up. We start by fighting (bashing them in the face works real well at showing that we don't like what they have done to us). Then when we get older, we stage things to get them in trouble over something or other. Later on, we hopefully and finally learn what you have that the only person that we need to work on is ourselves and that we only need to compare ourselves to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ! I know that this is a hard lesson, but ultimately so rewarding.
I should post Mom's comment too. What a great family you all are! I love you all so much!!!
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